Sometimes, I have no words for myself. I usually try to seem more put together than I am. Today was one of those days where I utterly failed at it. I might want to preface this by owning up to the fact that I might have an eating disorder, and that anorexia makes you straight up neurotic as all hell. Like, I know I’m being entirely illogical, but that does help one bit. So, today, when I went to my psychiatrist to get my anti-depressant meds refilled, I heard the words, “It’s been a year since I’ve gotten your weight, so…” Yup. That’s about all the further she got in that conversation.
I practically yelled the word “no”, refused to look at her, and vowed not to get up from her couch. It ended with me in the hallway across from a scale, crying, and not really caring who saw the scene. Thirty-years-old and this is what I was doing. Embarrassing? Yeah, a little bit. Illogical? Yes. Was my heart pounding through my chest? Absolutely. Not really interested in facing my fears today, thank you very much. Luckily, she relented, but warned me that next month won’t be the same. I guess I have a therapy topic for next session.