Big learning curve here recently, and I can’t figure out if I should be frustrated or excited. You know… if I would just open up my mouth and speak, somebody might be able to help. But no. I just assume this is the way life is from now on out and accept that PTSD sucks. Good job Danielle, nice to know you were suffering for the last two years simply because you assumed something. And no, I don’t want to know what they say about assumptions thank you very much, I’m already quite aware.
So, here is the scenario. About once a week, I crash. And by this I mean I don’t get out of bed, I hide from everyone, fight panic attacks, and find myself crying but I don’t know why. The depression and anxiety that have been building in the previous days finally become too much, and I give way to the weight of it. It takes about two or three days before I can pull myself out of it and function again. This has been going on for a couple years now.
Essentially, without realizing it, I’m forcing myself to take a break. A break I would not give myself otherwise. I’m too busy trying to be supermom. Kids have homework, sports, bedtime stories, meals to eat. I have a house to clean a job I have to work. Nowhere in this is there time for me. I keep going and going, until that wall of depression hits and I collapse. I am still trying to function in the same ways I did before PTSD, but I can’t do it anymore. I still hold myself to the same level of unrealistic expectations that I did back then. Honestly, the Pre-PTSD me never stopped moving, but she wasn’t very happy either.
If my crashes force me to take a break, then maybe I could prevent them from happening in the first place simply by making time for myself. It isn’t about squeezing me into the schedule, it’s about either removing other things from the schedule or letting certain things go. I get to prioritize myself somewhere at the top of the list. I do no one any good with these emotional breakdowns, but I can be there for my family more readily by simply allowing myself self-care and doing so without guilt.
It’s funny how some things have to be pointed out to me and explained. It seems like such a simple solution to what has been a huge problem. I’ve spent so long suffering when I didn’t have to do so, when the solution was simply to sit down and watch a movie, go get my nails done, or go out for coffee with friends.