That massage earlier this week…yeah, I don’t know why I worried so much. It was amazing!!! This PTSD ridden girl actually managed to relax and mellow out for a bit. And an added perk? I got an extra thirty minutes for free, which meant an hour-and-a-half of luxury. Yeah, I’m spoiled and I’ll be back.
I won’t lie, I had myself so worked up, I literally felt sick when I walked through their front door. I guess it’s cause I didn’t quite know what to expect, and I don’t always handle touch well. I think the whole physical contact aversion is a common reaction for anyone with PTSD regardless of their trauma history. Touch is hard. That hyper-vigilant awareness makes it difficult to relax or trust, even when we know we are safe.
I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to relax, so afraid that this would be just one more thing that PTSD might rob from me, another reminder of how much I had changed. I did have to talk myself through the start of it. I keep telling myself that it was okay, that I was safe, to just relax and allow myself to enjoy it. Within about ten minutes, I was able to let go of everything and just be present in the moment.
I think it might be a really healthy idea to keep going back, to remind myself that there is such a thing as safe touch and that I can let down my guard somewhere other than home. It might bring me closer to healing.