Ahh! I can’t believe I did it! I actually sat at the table and ate breakfast with my kids this morning. I was so scared to do it and then Vivian turned to me excited and said, “Yay! You’ve never eaten with me before!” My heart hurt when she said that, but it made me feel that much more accomplished when I succeeded.
I cannot wait to see my therapist in a couple weeks and tell her how I’ve done. I’m gonna try to eat breakfast again tomorrow. It was worth it. Every challenge I’ve done the anxiety gets the best of me and all I can focus on is how horrible the experience made me feel. I usually stop trying as a result. But this was something I really wanted to do. I think the next challenge I set myself up for will be to cook for my family. I want to focus on the aspects of my eating disorder that bother me the most, and not being able to make meals is definitely one of them.
Yesterday, my therapy session went really well. I told her I’m beginning to get fed up with my eating disorder, especially now that my daughter is becoming very aware of my behaviors and more self-conscious of herself. I’m so scared she will follow in my footsteps. I’m not sure I’ve hit rock bottom yet, but I honestly don’t want to figure out where rock bottom is. However, she pointed out that I was getting really anxious just discussing my e.d. and the changes I would have to make. It was so true. At one point she did ask me how many pounds I would be willing to gain right now. I looked at her like she lost her mind. Although, I do have a realistic goal I think I can get to, I just need more time to mentally prep myself to do so.
We discussed a lot of things. My fear of weight gain, my fear that I’ll never stop binging, the fact that I’ve gone on extremely long binge cycles in the past and ended up overweight, the reality that because I starved myself for so long my body is going to hold onto everything it can get for awhile, etc.
After getting home I really began to realize that whether I’m dealing with bulimia or anorexia (cause I’ve oscillated between the two and bulimia always puts me overweight) the trigger tends to be some big event. When I was ten we moved across the country, when I was sixteen my parents divorced, at seventeen the custody battles began. Everything resurfaced at 24 when my husband deployed to the Middle East for a year, my year long binge/purge episode occurred after I was raped, and then the anorexia returned when my dad pulled all of his abuse. My eating disorder completely revolves around dealing with the stress of major events. I need to learn how to deal with stress differently. I think if I can manage to deal with stress in a healthier manner, then I really don’t need to worry so much about going on massive binges.
Overall it ended up being one of the most productive sessions we’ve had in awhile. I’m so glad I was able to open my mouth and really start speaking.