No. No. No! When did I become this needy? This reliant? How did I become this person? Miss Independent, who takes on the world all on her own is now freaking out because her therapist told her that sessions will be decreased. Seriously?! Ugh. Get a grip Danielle.
I recently got a new job which is great because it comes with better pay, benefits, and a pension. However….it’s also full-time. I know. Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?!?! lol. I really needed this new job, and I am excited to have it. But, it comes with one downside, therapy is now every other week because it’s really difficult to book my therapist’s evening hours.
I guess it just comes at a bad time for me because for the last few months my thoughts have been preoccupied with the idea that at some point, therapy ends. I mean that is the goal right? But it also means that there is this person I have spent two years building a relationship with, and I’m expected to completely walk away and cut ties. No visits, no phone calls/ text messages/ emails, there is no adding her to social media to “keep in touch”. It’s over. And honestly, that difficult.
I’m so scared that she will say, “Well, Danielle, I don’t think you are ready to recover and we’ve gotten as far as we can.” I’m scared that the quote said above is true. I’m not ready to try, I’m not ready to give it up and become healthy. And if I’m not willing to try, then what is the point of therapy? I’ve sorted through most of the trauma, I’ve come a long way from the suicidal girl who crawled into her office two years ago. In fact, most days, I feel like the “old me” now, the person who existed before PTSD tore me down.
So what do I do? I’ve started trying harder, eating more, taking on the challenges and tasks that she gives me. All out of fear that she will leave.
I haven’t told her how I feel. I haven’t told her why I’ve started trying to fight against anorexia. I’m too scared to let her know what the motivation is behind it. I don’t think it’s necessarily dependency, I think she has taught me enough that I’m okay to do things on my own. I’m just scared of loosing her and that relationship. I think it’s more of an attachment issue than anything, and probably an unhealthy attachment pattern from my perspective. But the issue is there all of the same.
The whole “Now we will have to switch things to every-other-week” further adds fuel to my fears. Maybe she honestly thinks that we are making it to the end of the road. Maybe this is her way of transitioning us out of therapy. Maybe I’m ready to tackle the world without her and I just don’t want to. I know that deep down, the very best thing I could do for myself is to actually talk to my therapist about this stuff, but I’m not sure I’m brave enough to do just that.